Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
