Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
