he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
