you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
