I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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