So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
