I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize