so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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