also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
