It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
