Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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