I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
