two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
