Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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