those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
