This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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