I could make wine with my vomit
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
