oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
