i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
You smell like stripper and shame
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
