he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
