went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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