Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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