My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
