My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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