Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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