if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
