i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize