This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
