Need sex. Gaining weight.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
