Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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