i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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