I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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