So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My ATM looks so different sober.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
