he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
