A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i came on her dog
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
