I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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