Did you just see the Batmobile???
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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