Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
