fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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