Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
