If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
