i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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