May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
