There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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