tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
