Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
