I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
