Umm I'm too high to move.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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