I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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