the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
