Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
