No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
