All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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