i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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