Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just threw up on my dentist
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
