I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
