I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
