After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
