About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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