I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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